Yes somewhat dramatic but I often lie awake or am awakened at night by feelings of panic. What if we don’t find the funding we need for next year? Or to buy land we need? What if we can’t find the staff we need to run the program? What is happening to the youth we are trying to help? How are we going to get the reporting due to so many different donors with different formats done? How are we going to make the new programs work? What if things don’t work out? What if, what if, what if?
Yet somehow things always do work out and more than five years later the program has steadily progressed, expanded in scope, and gained support. At times it feels like this has happened in spite of my stress and worry, not because of it.
Last week I had a phone interview with Ines, my wise teacher from the online IMC course I recently participated in. After I conveyed what I have been feeling, she asked me, “So what if you did fail?” and this question gave me immediate perspective and clarity. Yes so what if I did fail? It would not be the end of the world. And why should I expect or hope to be free of failure? Isn’t that part of the vicissitudes of life? Praise and blame, gain and loss, joy and sorrow and what else? Despite meditation and intentionally trying to cultivate awareness of annica, why in my heart of hearts do I still expect to be immune?
This fear of failure and the mental gyrations I have been doing around those feelings have been part of the suffering I have heaped on myself. This is the type of insight that once realized, we are amazed that we have been blind to it for so long…
Another thing she pointed out to me was that the reason I have difficulty concentrating on my administrative tasks is because I am experiencing aversion. Duh! It’s so obvious now but I have been beating myself endlessly with my inability to bear down and concentrate on getting all the financial and programmatic reporting done on time. Yes aversion. Makes total sense now but again up to now I had been totally blind to this. Amazing how blind we can be to our own problems and correspondingly perceptive about the problems of others...
Ines also said that this was a good place to be. This meaning realizing that I have aversion and now having the opportunity to start applying mindfulness to it.
Work is a really tough place for me in general though. It’s a job and organization entirely of my own making from the initial concept, to the board of trustees, the donors, the staff, the curriculum etc. We do really meaningful work – training drop outs, unemployed youth, street youth in organic farming, life skills and entrepreneurship in a residential program. We also work with local farmers on the border of the national park – training them in organic farming, agro-forestry and conservation. We will soon be installing biogas, solar panels and windmills for renewable energy generation. We just received a grant to work with alumni so they can further develop and train others in their communities. We are involved in a large project to provide life skills training and organic farming curriculum to organizations who will be training thousands of former child workers who are being returned to their homes and put back in school. We are in discussions to open an organic gardening and sustainable living learning center in the largest entertainment park in Indonesia
Yet I complain, gripe, stress, moan and worry all the time. I often fantasize about leaving and getting some cushy job or a very simple job or even better yet a cushy, simple job, any of which in reality would make me extremely unhappy. I fantasize about winning the lottery, having some anonymous benefactor or longlost distant relative give me millions or about finding precious jewels or a bagful of money lying on the street. Other times I think about just getting up and walking away from it all, without any explanation and never coming back. I would walk barefoot across Java without any help or money until I reached the sea.
Conceptually, theoretically I realize that these feelings are where my practice is or should be. Being aware of and applying mindfulness to intense and ongoing feelings of aversion and fear. Fear of failure, fear of the additional work and responsibility success brings, fear of not doing something significant. Aversion to the parts of the work I don’t like, fear of not doing what I should be doing and so not being present and not enjoying the many blessings involved in nurturing disadvantaged youth to care about themselves, other people and nature. A path with heart has embraced me, and shaped my life, yet I am still busy judging myself and finding myself wanting…
My response up to now has been to seek refuge in meditation as a way to get distance, calm down and try to create separation so I can somewhat leave fear and aversion at work. Now it seems like its time to use meditation and the tools as skillful means to engage and explore these feelings.
Sounds like a plan…
